Luke and Kiah are close friends and have known each other for more than five years. Kiah has deliberated for a few months about how to give Luke some difficult feedback and decides to invite him to lunch to have a frank conversation. Kiah shares with Luke that she has seen a pattern in his behavior that is aggressive and intimidating. Kiah describes how Luke acts among their other friends, servers at restaurants, customer service professionals or folks they encounter on campus or around town. Kiah offers that the way Luke expresses his opinions and communicates his needs and expectations is combative. Kiah asserts that while Luke often gets what he wants or is affirmed for his point of view, Kiah sees those that Luke interacts with as falling silent or acquiescing as a result of Luke’s intimidation. Kiah feels that way too.
Kiah challenges Luke to spend more time listening and considering other people’s opinions, options, outcomes or ideas, especially those that Luke disagrees with. Kiah also challenges Luke to consider what it would mean for him to not always get his way.
Luke is shocked and overwhelmed by Kiah’s feedback. Luke falls silent and takes a long time to contemplate what Kiah has said. The week after their conversation Luke processes and recognizes the pattern of behavior that Kiah reflected to him. Luke returns to Kiah and commits to being more mindful and paying attention to future interactions and considering ways he could move through his day that are kinder and gentler.
- The Issue: Luke has a pattern of behavior that is marginalizing to his friends and acquaintances.
- The Deliberation: Luke’s friend Kiah offers critical feedback, and Luke takes time to process and reflect.
- The Growth: Luke is able to recognize his marginalizing and unproductive behavior and challenges himself to be more mindful about how he interacts with others and to more willingly concede his opinions and desires.