Ellie & Adric – Unpacking Good Intentions

Ellie is known among her friends, co-workers, and acquaintances as having exceptional style and fashion sense. Ellie identifies as a woman, and her clothing choices reflect a range of gender expressions. She enjoys wearing all types of clothing. Some days she wears dresses and high heels, others she wears men’s cut suits, overalls, or shirts and ties. Her style is important to her, and she dresses in ways that makes her feel beautiful, empowered, and confident.

Since moving to town, she has never received negative comments about any of her clothing choices. However, she has noticed that when she chooses to where clothes that are commonly understood as feminine, she receives heightened and enthusiastic compliments from her friend Adric. When wearing feminine clothes, Adric tends to gush by saying “You look so beautiful.”; “I love you in a dress.”; and, “You should dress like this more often!” The positive reinforcement of her feminine dress communicates to Ellie that Adric doesn’t appreciate her many forms of style.

Ellie initiates a conversation with Adric. She shares her observation of that his pattern of affirmations are gendered and regardless of his intention, serve to reinforce a particular gender expression. Adric commits to listening and asks many open-ended questions to better understand Ellie’s experience and expectations. Ellie asserts that she does not want Adric to make compliments that he does not believe in, rather she asks that he reflect on what purpose his compliments serve and how they make her feel.

Ellie feels like Adric understands her, which is confirmed by a steady change in his behavior. Going forward, Adric challenges himself to consider not only what he thinks about Ellie’s clothing, but also what she thinks about her clothing, and he attempts to honor her choices and celebrate them with her.

Key Take-Aways
  • The Issue: Adric has a pattern of affirmation that reinforces a particular gender norm upon Ellie. She believes that Adric’s compliments are well intended, but that he does not recognize the negative impact of his positive reinforcement.
  • The Deliberation: Ellie opens up dialogue with Adric about how his compliments make her feel, and asks him to consider how his affirmations are implicit attempts at shaping Ellie’s gender expression. Adric commits to listening and exploring further.
  • The Growth: Adric comes to understand that the pattern of his compliments is a reflection of his own socialization, and in turn attempts to reinforce particular gender norms in Ellie. Adric commits to being more thoughtful about the origin of his affirmations and strives to affirm about Ellie what is important to her.